The agreement, which the President admittedly downed a few shots of whiskey before entering into, states that a student-elected committee will be formed by mid-terms and funding will be provided by Coca-Cola, Boost Mobile (“Where You At?”® being the official catchphrase for all cellphone-toting dbs on campus), and all moneys available after Pullen library’s monumental decision to not buy any more books, ever. Also, on the board will be the president of Students for the Staging of Free and Crappy Music on Campus (SSFCMC), who promise to amp up their courtyard performances at lunchtime and extend them at least through the 3:30 PM rush: “We’re really excited to donate the questionable talents of our self-delared musicians in exchange for the campus-wide speaker system being installed so that everyone can hear our music, no matter where they are on campus, trying to hide from it as if from the plague.”

The funds will be used for various projects, like smoothing the courtyard and sidewalk grounds to be more like an actual runway so they accommodate all the ladies (and gentlemen) wearing stiletto heels or boots to class on a daily basis; filtering and increasing the pressure of the air coming up through the sidewalk grates in order to better flutter up the skirts Marilyn Monroe–style of the ladies (and gentlemen) who come to school in clubbing/hoochie-ing attire; and installing halogen lights and make-up counters in the already recently renovated bathrooms for the ladies (and gentlemen) who need to touch up after breakfast, lunch, break, class, smoke, elevator ride, Marta ride, etc. These stipulations are groundbreaking because they provide representation for these well-dressed students who have never before had a voice or a say. Also, GSU being a liberal university, the committee has pledged not to discriminate against any males who wish to take part as queens in any fashion shows and amenities.

But, by far the gem of the movement will be the grand finale during finals week every semester, when runways will be set up in the courtyard for the scantily clad ladies (and gentlemen) to “dress to the nines,” as they say, and strut their stuff on the catwalk as their gentleman (and lady) classmates drink coke, take pictures on their “Where you at?” phones, and toss confetti from the recycled library books that had to be shredded in order to make room for the coffee shop and diner-style booth seating installed last term. The Association for Students Who Unashamedly Crunch Cheeto’s in Class, GSU Needs Football Jocks and Ditzy Cheerleader Chicks Like Every Other School, and Fight for Your Right to Bitch and Moan about Everything that You Know Nothing About are all organizations expected to set up booths across campus during “flaunt that ass week” to rip off Freshmen and piss off everyone who doesn’t go to school for social hour and poker parties.

The declared winner of Project Runway GSU—to be determined based on skankiness and inappropriateness of outfit as well as absurdity and risk-factor of stiletto-heel height—will win custom-made posters with his/her portrait in the middle, to be displayed everywhere, created by the suicidal hipster kids in the art department, with the ever-coveted title of “Cutest Damn Nitwit on Campus.”

So, here’s to making things happen and demanding change at Georgia State! Who cares if it’s for the better, really?

In a related story, faculty were shocked to learn that, when a Project Runway: GSU rep visited the offices of The Signal—GSU’s student-run rag—the rooms were in utter disarray and barrels of monkeys were going apeshit launching fecal matter at no one, and yet everyone, in particular.

Dave Brewer, pastor at Gwinnett United Methodist Church, delivered his weekly sermon at this morning’s service; however, he threw a fun spin on today’s dose of spiritual guidance.  “I consider myself to be a pretty good orator, and the congregation agrees,” says Brewer.  “Sometimes, though, the whole sermon thing can get a little dry.  That’s why I look forward to special days like Super Bowl Sunday, so I can mix it up a little bit.”  Brewer spent his Saturday evening writing up the sermon, consulting ESPN.com for Super Bowl facts and trivia, and cross-referencing those tidbits with excerpts from the Bible. 

“I worked hard on the sermon, and I hope everyone enjoys it,” Brewer says. “I decided to go with a Super Bowl theme, in line with the big game tonight.”  His central idea was that of keeping the faith in times of adversity, incorporating elements from the story of Noah’s ark.  “The New York Giants are up against immeasurable odds in playing the Patriots tonight,” Brewer told church-goers this morning.  “You know who else faced an impossible challenge he didn’t feel up to?  Old Noah himself.  When God told Noah to build an ark and load it with two of every kind of animal, did Noah back down?  When the townspeople taunted Noah, and told him he was crazy and worthless, did he shrink away from the challenge?”

Noah wasn’t the only Biblical figure being called upon for allusion.  “I was a little hesitant to include the Tom Brady-as-savior metaphor,” Brewer tells us.  “However, I think everyone can understand that I was simply making a point about Tom’s skills as a quarterback carrying the team to victory game after game.  You could say that Jesus does the same thing for us, day after day.  Tom Brady’s good, but he ain’t nothing compared to J.C.”  The pastor stated that he did not mean to alienate any Giants fans in the congregation, but adds, “Come on… we all know they don’t have a prayer.  No pun intended.”

All in all, Brewer is pleased with the sermon and its response.  “I think everybody really enjoyed it,” he says.  “Just goes to show you, even learning how to better serve our Lord can be a laugh sometimes.  It’s good to see my hard work being appreciated by the masses.”  Brewer also told us that he looks forward to future sermons.  “Let’s just say I’ve got something special up my sleeve for the day of the Oscars,” he says with a chuckle. 

When asked his opinion of the pastor’s Super Sunday sermon, churchgoer Steve Simmons said, “Oh yeah… the sermon.  Sure, it was alright.  Sorry, I can’t really talk- I have to go pick up some more chips and dip for tonight.”

Atlanta, January 28 – In a press conference last Tuesday, Coca-Cola announced its plan to implement an ad campaign that would target publicly funded schools, most notably in the area of textbook space. According to their spokesperson, Marsha Street, “We are breaking new ground with this one. We’ve got to get to them young, while their minds are still open and long before they’ve taken the Pepsi Challenge.”

If the school system goes for it, this could mean less space for real words and more space for real big ads.

Merchuria Chase Williams, president of the Georgia Association of Educators, laments the loss of the students’ increased learning potential, but offsets it with the popular idea that “Everything can be bought for the right price, even your child’s future.”

In the past, the public school’s curriculum has been one of the only places for younger students to look away from an already overrun public ad space, but that is all about to change.

“We feel like we aren’t making our presence abundant enough. An overflow into the school system will help us to regain an important part of our target demographic,” says Street. With the popularity of juice and flavored water on the upswing, this may be just what Coke needs to get itself back into the game.

The campaign is set to begin its six-month trial next semester and if all goes well, we—and our kids—could see this as the next big thing to hit the advertising world in years. Arthur Blank, co-founder of Home Depot, has said that, “If Coca-Cola can do it, why the hell can’t we? Kids need to learn that if they’re going to grow up to fulfill their familial roles, home improvement is a necessity.”

Scholars are already condemning the practice of advertising in textbooks and, according to a spokesperson from The Honors Society, “Don’t be too surprised if kids start smoking, drinking, or pre-maritally sexing at an earlier age. We don’t need this trash in our public schools; we need to keep our children’s minds pure and innocent.” The PTA has declined to comment on the matter.