347 Augusta

Just a sunny week or so ago, with my head in the clouds I shuffled from the woman’s section of Value Village heading to the mens pant department, rack. There in the middle of where the bahama shirts and Cosby sweaters meet in some outlandish attic-throw-away-bottleneck, stood an oddly tall man yelling “Who sings this song” as a question to the four or five lonely men idling over the idea of buying Paco Jeans. My path was bringing up the rear, and like the rest of the men in front of me I had no business answering this mans question. Working my way quietly through the blazer jackets I entered the pants department, rack. Personally, I never find anything there, well maybe once or twice. The oddly tall man found me, finding nothing. Looking down at me from across the pants rack he suddenly yelled,
“What song is that?”
“I don’t know” I said nervously, as all of the men now behind the oddly tall man looked on at me, with a sort of gleeful appreciation.
Quickly he boomed, “I hear a voice, and that voice sounds like Stevie Nicks, that tells me that it must be Fleetwood Mac.”
Quietly now, we stared at each other oafishly.

In the first collaborative and organized student movement since the African American sit-in of 1992, the collective underage body of Georgia State University came together Tuesday to demand a space for their freedom to express their own personal fashion sense. Representatives of the group uprising met with President Patton early Tuesday in his office for what must have been a terrifying fifteen minutes before he finally and utterly conceded, throwing his hands in the air and shrugging, “I’ve already resigned anyway, so who the fuck cares at this point? While the primaries are going on, students are in the courtyard campaigning for the ‘Miss Sophomore’ pageant. We’ve had this coming for quite some time now, to be totally honest.”

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Congregation Politely Listens; Then Rush Home to Prepare for Super Bowl Party

Dave Brewer, pastor at Gwinnett United Methodist Church, delivered his weekly sermon at this morning’s service; however, he threw a fun spin on today’s dose of spiritual guidance.  “I consider myself to be a pretty good orator, and the congregation agrees,” says Brewer.  “Sometimes, though, the whole sermon thing can get a little dry.  That’s why I look forward to special days like Super Bowl Sunday, so I can mix it up a little bit.”  Brewer spent his Saturday evening writing up the sermon, consulting ESPN.com for Super Bowl facts and trivia, and cross-referencing those tidbits with excerpts from the Bible. 

“I worked hard on the sermon, and I hope everyone enjoys it,” Brewer says. “I decided to go with a Super Bowl theme, in line with the big game tonight.”  His central idea was that of keeping the faith in times of adversity, incorporating elements from the story of Noah’s ark.  “The New York Giants are up against immeasurable odds in playing the Patriots tonight,” Brewer told church-goers this morning.  “You know who else faced an impossible challenge he didn’t feel up to?  Old Noah himself.  When God told Noah to build an ark and load it with two of every kind of animal, did Noah back down?  When the townspeople taunted Noah, and told him he was crazy and worthless, did he shrink away from the challenge?”

Noah wasn’t the only Biblical figure being called upon for allusion.  “I was a little hesitant to include the Tom Brady-as-savior metaphor,” Brewer tells us.  “However, I think everyone can understand that I was simply making a point about Tom’s skills as a quarterback carrying the team to victory game after game.  You could say that Jesus does the same thing for us, day after day.  Tom Brady’s good, but he ain’t nothing compared to J.C.”  The pastor stated that he did not mean to alienate any Giants fans in the congregation, but adds, “Come on… we all know they don’t have a prayer.  No pun intended.”

All in all, Brewer is pleased with the sermon and its response.  “I think everybody really enjoyed it,” he says.  “Just goes to show you, even learning how to better serve our Lord can be a laugh sometimes.  It’s good to see my hard work being appreciated by the masses.”  Brewer also told us that he looks forward to future sermons.  “Let’s just say I’ve got something special up my sleeve for the day of the Oscars,” he says with a chuckle. 

When asked his opinion of the pastor’s Super Sunday sermon, churchgoer Steve Simmons said, “Oh yeah… the sermon.  Sure, it was alright.  Sorry, I can’t really talk- I have to go pick up some more chips and dip for tonight.”

Atlanta, January 28 – In a press conference last Tuesday, Coca-Cola announced its plan to implement an ad campaign that would target publicly funded schools, most notably in the area of textbook space. According to their spokesperson, Marsha Street, “We are breaking new ground with this one. We’ve got to get to them young, while their minds are still open and long before they’ve taken the Pepsi Challenge.”

If the school system goes for it, this could mean less space for real words and more space for real big ads.

Merchuria Chase Williams, president of the Georgia Association of Educators, laments the loss of the students’ increased learning potential, but offsets it with the popular idea that “Everything can be bought for the right price, even your child’s future.”

In the past, the public school’s curriculum has been one of the only places for younger students to look away from an already overrun public ad space, but that is all about to change.

“We feel like we aren’t making our presence abundant enough. An overflow into the school system will help us to regain an important part of our target demographic,” says Street. With the popularity of juice and flavored water on the upswing, this may be just what Coke needs to get itself back into the game.

The campaign is set to begin its six-month trial next semester and if all goes well, we—and our kids—could see this as the next big thing to hit the advertising world in years. Arthur Blank, co-founder of Home Depot, has said that, “If Coca-Cola can do it, why the hell can’t we? Kids need to learn that if they’re going to grow up to fulfill their familial roles, home improvement is a necessity.”

Scholars are already condemning the practice of advertising in textbooks and, according to a spokesperson from The Honors Society, “Don’t be too surprised if kids start smoking, drinking, or pre-maritally sexing at an earlier age. We don’t need this trash in our public schools; we need to keep our children’s minds pure and innocent.” The PTA has declined to comment on the matter.