347 Augusta

In the first collaborative and organized student movement since the African American sit-in of 1992, the collective underage body of Georgia State University came together Tuesday to demand a space for their freedom to express their own personal fashion sense. Representatives of the group uprising met with President Patton early Tuesday in his office for what must have been a terrifying fifteen minutes before he finally and utterly conceded, throwing his hands in the air and shrugging, “I’ve already resigned anyway, so who the fuck cares at this point? While the primaries are going on, students are in the courtyard campaigning for the ‘Miss Sophomore’ pageant. We’ve had this coming for quite some time now, to be totally honest.”

The agreement, which the President admittedly downed a few shots of whiskey before entering into, states that a student-elected committee will be formed by mid-terms and funding will be provided by Coca-Cola, Boost Mobile (“Where You At?”® being the official catchphrase for all cellphone-toting dbs on campus), and all moneys available after Pullen library’s monumental decision to not buy any more books, ever. Also, on the board will be the president of Students for the Staging of Free and Crappy Music on Campus (SSFCMC), who promise to amp up their courtyard performances at lunchtime and extend them at least through the 3:30 PM rush: “We’re really excited to donate the questionable talents of our self-delared musicians in exchange for the campus-wide speaker system being installed so that everyone can hear our music, no matter where they are on campus, trying to hide from it as if from the plague.”

The funds will be used for various projects, like smoothing the courtyard and sidewalk grounds to be more like an actual runway so they accommodate all the ladies (and gentlemen) wearing stiletto heels or boots to class on a daily basis; filtering and increasing the pressure of the air coming up through the sidewalk grates in order to better flutter up the skirts Marilyn Monroe–style of the ladies (and gentlemen) who come to school in clubbing/hoochie-ing attire; and installing halogen lights and make-up counters in the already recently renovated bathrooms for the ladies (and gentlemen) who need to touch up after breakfast, lunch, break, class, smoke, elevator ride, Marta ride, etc. These stipulations are groundbreaking because they provide representation for these well-dressed students who have never before had a voice or a say. Also, GSU being a liberal university, the committee has pledged not to discriminate against any males who wish to take part as queens in any fashion shows and amenities.

But, by far the gem of the movement will be the grand finale during finals week every semester, when runways will be set up in the courtyard for the scantily clad ladies (and gentlemen) to “dress to the nines,” as they say, and strut their stuff on the catwalk as their gentleman (and lady) classmates drink coke, take pictures on their “Where you at?” phones, and toss confetti from the recycled library books that had to be shredded in order to make room for the coffee shop and diner-style booth seating installed last term. The Association for Students Who Unashamedly Crunch Cheeto’s in Class, GSU Needs Football Jocks and Ditzy Cheerleader Chicks Like Every Other School, and Fight for Your Right to Bitch and Moan about Everything that You Know Nothing About are all organizations expected to set up booths across campus during “flaunt that ass week” to rip off Freshmen and piss off everyone who doesn’t go to school for social hour and poker parties.

The declared winner of Project Runway GSU—to be determined based on skankiness and inappropriateness of outfit as well as absurdity and risk-factor of stiletto-heel height—will win custom-made posters with his/her portrait in the middle, to be displayed everywhere, created by the suicidal hipster kids in the art department, with the ever-coveted title of “Cutest Damn Nitwit on Campus.”

So, here’s to making things happen and demanding change at Georgia State! Who cares if it’s for the better, really?

In a related story, faculty were shocked to learn that, when a Project Runway: GSU rep visited the offices of The Signal—GSU’s student-run rag—the rooms were in utter disarray and barrels of monkeys were going apeshit launching fecal matter at no one, and yet everyone, in particular.